Not Quite Twilight
by Bremond
Summary: A ridiculous spoof of Twilight, complete with a vicious apple-to-the-death fight and a really stupid heroine.


**Hey. Now I know spoofs of Twilight are sooooo overdone, but every writer makes at least one, because it's too easy to make fun of. I wrote this one a while ago, and it's ridiculous and stupid, and doesn't really go anywhere, but hopefully you'll enjoy it anyway. I won't be making any other Twilight stories (just the thought of writing about it anymore makes my stomach churn) but I had to put this one up. Enjoy =) **

I find myself driving down a rainy road in the middle of nowhere, squinting through the blurry windshield at the gravel road ahead. I really don't know what losers would want to hang around a place that _rains _all the time. Like, what a lame setting for a book.

This truck isn't mine, actually. It's dad's. I don't call him dad, though, except when I'm face to face with him. I don't really know him all that well– I grew up in Bullhead City, Arizona, and he's lived up here in the middle of Washington for my whole life, in the little rainy town of Twisp.

So far, Twisp has been worse than I could have guessed.

I've really been missing the warm, sunny days in Bullhead. Sigh. It could be worse, I guess. I could be the main character in a ridiculously popular romance book for teenagers. Ugh. That's a scary thought.

The truck slammed into something and jerked to the side. I slammed on the brakes, swearing. I climbed out of the truck, into the rain, and looked at the slumped shape of an enormous wolf under the wheel of the car.

"Get going, you stupid enormous werewolf," I said angrily, kicking it in the side. It moaned weakly. "If you're gonna cross streets then put up a werewolf crossing sign! Jesus Christ!"

I returned to the truck and backed up furiously, the wheels spinning in the wet gravel. I drove away.

I was already almost late for school. The first day of school. The first day of school in lovely rainy Twisp.

I pulled up in the parking lot. Climbing out, I found myself before an old brick highschool. Drawing my jacket up around my shoulders, I headed in.

At my locker I checked my timetable; first class of the day, Hot Lab Partner Studies. I took out my Hot Lab Partner Studies book and my shoulder bag and headed down the hallway.

The classroom was busy and loud, people chatting and finding seats. I hovered a bit, waiting for things to get settled. I couldn't help feeling a rush of butterflies– new town, new school. I didn't know anybody and I was a bit of an outcast to begin with.

I found a seat at the back of the class, a table occupied by some guy in a black t-shirt. I didn't see his face at first because he was bent over a hefty novel with a picture of some guy holding an apple on the front. Wow, figures I get stuck with the emo kid.

He looked up slowly at me, and HOO BOY, was he A LOT more good-lookin' than I would have anticipated.

"Hellllllo there," I said. "Aren't _you _a ridiculously hot lab partner!"

His eyes narrowed and he returned to his book.

"Welcome class, I'm Miss Jones," said the teacher. "Everybody take out your Hot Lab Partner Studies book and turn to page three. We'll start with learning the basics..."

I was a little distracted for the rest of the class, mostly because the kid beside me seemed to be leaning away from me, like I had some kind of infectious disease. I was thinking about striking up a conversation with him but the butterflies hit again and I gave up on it.

"God, what are you _wearing_?" he said, looking like he was making a real effort to not attack me and rip me to shreds and possible drain the blood out of me.

"Uh... well... I kicked a werewolf."

"No, no, it's not that. Smells like...I really can't say..."

"Well... I rolled in a junkyard..."

"No, it's not that..."

"I ate some rotten eggs..."

"No, not that either."

"I stuck my head in a toilet..."

"No, it's not a bad smell. It's a good smell." He sniffed the air thoughtfully.

"Really?"

"Yeah," he said, nodding. "Really nice. Makes me want to eat you."

"Uhh..."

"Sorry. That sounded weird."

"Yeah, it did."

The bell rang and I turned to put my Hot Lab Partner Studies book away. When I turned back to him he was gone... as if from thin air. Oh. My. God.

At lunch I got in line to buy some food. I bought an apple that I was going to drop in a couple minutes, so I don't know why I wasted my money on it.

I was still in line when the doors of the cafeteria opened.

In slow-motion five teenagers walked in, one of them my super hot lab partner. In fact they were all hot, which struck me as a little overdone. All five fell in line behind me, looking so gorgeously awesome my already-weak self-esteem plummeted.

A few moments later I dropped my apple, like I'd been anticipating, and the guy in front stooped to pick it up. Oh, it was my hot lab partner!

He straightened and held it out with both hands (why not just one? Did he always go around picking up apples with two hands or something?) And smiled pleasantly.

"Thank y–," I started.

The cafeteria doors burst open.

Five ridiculously hot guys in cut-off shirts walked in. The one in the lead pointed a finger at my gorgeous lab partner.

"Hello, bloodsuckers," he growled.

"Werewolves," my lab partner hissed, eyes growing darker.

"Right here. Right now," the tall guy stomped his foot, his fist clenched. "You and me, bloodsucker."

"Let's go," my lab partner agreed. In a blur he threw the apple.

It slammed into the tall guy's chest and he went flying, slamming into the opposite wall with a crunch.

The kids in the cafeteria backed away against the walls, terrified.

All five super-gorgeous pale teenagers now held apples in their hands.

My lab partner flipped it in his hand, lip curling. "Ready to get it on, werewolves?"

The werewolves growled and got their own apples.

"Red Delicious says YOU DIE," one of the dark-skinned guys said, and threw his apple. It rocketed toward one of the teenagers, who moved aside in a blur. The apple smacked into the lunch lady instead and she toppled to the floor.

"Watch where you throw those apples, wolfman," the girl with straight black hair said. "We don't want anybody getting hurt."

"'Cept YOU," said my lab partner, and threw another apple. The werewolf caught it between his teeth as he changed into a werewolf.

All battle was momentarily stalled as the werewolf chewed and swallowed the apple. He licked his lips, swallowed, and all five werewolves lunged toward the five teenagers.

And chaos ensued.

I was frozen into place. I couldn't move. Apples were being thrown every which way, and each side was holding its own.

Stephanie Meyer woke up with a start, blinking.

"Oh, just a dream," she said with a sigh. She looked out the window– outside it was still raining heavily.

"God, I'm glad I never wrote that," she said, shaking her head.

"Really?" Edward said dubiously, who was lounging on the bed. "I think it's better, actually."

"You don't mean that."

"Of course I do. Just... don't tell Bella about it, okay?"

"I wasn't planning to. Why?"

"Welllll," he said, rolling his eyes upward. "I may have gotten into one or two apple-to-the-death fights before."

"No," said Stephanie, shocked. "But that's not in your character."

"What, I'm supposed to be uptight and mysterious all the time?" he said, and threw up his hands. "It's a _lot _of pressure, you know!"

"Sorry, sorry."


End file.
